By Kemi Seriki
You cannot beat a child to take away its tears ~African Proverb
On July 28th, 2018, the second gathering of conversation took place in the Bronx at Davidson Community Center, and our brave and dedicated young men and women of our community came out to share their truth with diverse member audience. This year panelists’ heritage came from different part of African countries which include, Nigeria, Ghana, Mali, Ivory Coast, Liberia, and Guinea. Just like last year, the forum was interactive and engaging with the members of the audience who were stimulated by the conversation. For this event, I was lucky to have Sami Disu who assisted in planning and co-moderate the event.
We designed the event in a formality of safe space for our children to discuss whatever issue they feel comfortable in sharing without judgment or unsolicited advice from the member of the audience. I mentioned the word unsolicited advice because such advice comes with negative spin and, in many ways, judgmental. Rather than strengthening the trust in safe space conversation, unsolicited advice tends to harm the flow of conversation. One of the principal purposes of this forum was not just about these young men and women sharing their inner truth, but asking those with the opposite view to listen with empathy. Having empathy is not about compromising your point of view or validating other person’s perspective, empathy is being able to sense and respect other people’s emotion and sometimes put yourself in their shoe. There is a Nigerian proverb that says “In the moment of crises, the wise build the bridges and the foolish build dams.”A range of topics came up during the discussion, including race relations and conflict of identity, mental health, stigma within the African immigrant community, parenting style within African immigrants’ homes, immigration and DACA, bullying, and school victimization. There was also a discussion on barriers in advocating for African immigrant children in the school system.
As I begin to write a review of this forum, I thought that I should mention different parenting styles according to the psychological definition. Many may question why using subjective interpretation when our parenting style is passed down from our parents, who mostly based their parental method on our cultural value and our religious beliefs. The psychological definition of parenting styles does not negate cultural and religious beliefs but enhances our relationship with our children.
According to Psychology Today, there are four parenting styles, and they are listed below.
1. Authoritarian Parenting: set high expectations and little room for negotiation, the rule of communication is one way and rules are rarely explained. In such a home, there is less nurturing. Punishment is universal and inevitable. According to Darling of Psychology Today, children who are raised by authoritarian parents tend to do well academically and avoid getting in trouble with authority figures. On the flip side, these children tend to grow up to be socially deficient which may lead to low self-esteem and mental health challenges.
2. Authoritative Parenting: have high expectations with clear explanation, set clear boundaries, open to negotiation, and most importantly authoritative parents are nurturing. According to Ronald Riggio of Psychology Today “Typically, authoritative parents give their children increasing levels of independence as they mature. Children who grow up in such homes have leadership potential, better social skills, self-control, and self-reliance are highly developed. These are qualities that make ideal employees, leaders, and life partners.”
3. Neglectful Parenting: Are those parents who are non-responsive to a child’s need, unconcerned, emotionally distant and offer little or no supervision. According to psychology review, children who come from neglectful homes are emotionally withdrawn, exhibit delinquent behavior and have a high risk of substance abuse.
4. Permissive Parenting: According to Kendra Cherry, permissive parenting set few rules and the rules are rarely enforced. They are usually profoundly loving and nurturing and usually provide few or no guidelines. These parents are more like a friend to the child than a parent. The adverse effect for a child who grows up in a permissive parenting home develops poor judgment. Lack of understanding of boundaries, lacks self-discipline, low achievements in many areas including academic achievements.
With our religious and cultural background, each parent can fit into any of this parental style or know someone whose parenting style fits into any of the listed methods—some of the panelists view parenting style within the home as authoritarian and neglectful. The panelists gave examples throughout the forum. For example, parents who would not take a day off from work to attend a parent-teacher conference, a parent who would dismiss a child who regularly craves parental attention, a parent who only cares about high grades rather than ask about their interest in the area of study. As one panelist said, and I am paraphrasing, rather than asking me if I get an A in a class, ask me what I like about my classes. This presenter said that this parenting approach might eventually create dialogues and close relationship between a child and the parent. An audience asked a question from a parent’s point of view, saying sometimes parents are busy working, and they may be driving cab throughout the day and come home tired. It may be difficult for a parent to provide full emotional support to a child who regularly craves attention in such a situation. A panelist responded and advised, a parent should be creative in giving attention to such a child does not have to be scheduled. Dialogue with the child could occur while taking the child to school and dressing up the child, or having dinner. When a child knows that parent is open to conversation, they would feel free to discuss their apprehensions. The child would be able to talk about difficulties they may be experiencing at school and within the community. With the child’s input, the family could develop strategies on a method of approach to addressing the issue. During the forum, many parents agreed that they need to be more engaging in the children’s emotional needs as they are in the academic area.
During the conversation, I realize that our children advocate for an authoritative parenting style in who is open to dialogue and negotiation. They understand that parents should be able to set boundaries for children and have expectations. Still, there is also the need for nurturing, which is crucial in developing a unique personality during the formative years. Such approaches could eventually build an everlasting relationship within the family.
The most engaging topic was the African immigrant’s community approach towards mental health diagnoses and treatments during the forum. There was a debate about the lack of trust in western medicine in treating mental illness or even challenge the idea of mental health diagnoses. A member of the audience strongly believed that Africans need to go back to how mental illness was traditionally treated in our respective societies. Some are in agreement with such a view. There were also members of the audience who were in disagreement with the belief. Those in disagreement comment that there is nothing wrong in seeking professional treatment, including therapy and sometimes medication, if warranted. As long as the treatment is effective, the person can function as a member of society.
As I have personally commented during the forum, Africa may have indigenous herbs and roots that serve as medicine. Still, Africa has not developed it enough to guarantee its safety, the risk, and the long-term effect of the medication. If the indigenous drug effectively treats ailments, why are many African heads of states and those who can afford to travel outside the country seek medical care abroad? They would have stayed in their respective countries to receive the indigenously influenced medicine.
There is an African proverb that says, “it takes a village to raise a child.” But when mental illness strikes a child, the village disappeared, and nobody wanted to be seen with such a person or family. There is a blanket view of the negative stigma associated with mental illness in the African immigrant community. The cynical view of mental illness stems from the beliefs instilled in us growing up from our respective countries in Africa. In many African countries, there is a belief that mental illness is caused by supernatural afflictions, a curse, and bad luck. We are made to believe that such suffering requires divine action through traditional medicine and spiritual interventions.
In many African societies, people with mental illness usually chained down and pray for healing or are locked in asylum away from the community spectacle. As a result of our experience, most African immigrants may not recognize the problem of mental illness that may be emerging with a family member. Suppose a family member is showing symptoms of mental illness. In that case, the parent may fail to seek appropriate professional help to address the problem, thinking that the problem would go away through payer or other forms of conventional treatment methods.
A child who began exhibiting behavior such as extreme anger, substance abuse, antisocial behavior, mood swing, excessive anxiety, confused thinking, suicidal thoughts, and other disruptive behavior may be showing symptoms of mental illness. From the authoritarian parenting style point of view, a child who exhibits some or all these listed behavioral problems may need more punishment and more structure. A disconnection with a child’s well-being would result in a lack of mental health care. Some parents may relocate the child to go to their home country in Africa to experience some form of hardship, thinking this approach would resolve the problem.
According to psychology today, untreated mental illness resulting from stigma, humiliation, embarrassment, and poverty will further deteriorate the sufferer’s mental health. Mental illness will not go away on its own, and the longer it persists, the harder it is to treat, and recovery is uncertain. Untreated mental illness could result in a chronic physical health problem, homelessness and job instability, incarceration, victimization and Trauma, suicide, drug and alcohol abuse, and a decrease in quality of life and personal relationship. A person diagnosed with chronic diseases such as kidney disease, cancer, diabetes, or any other illness that affect one’s physical well-being, regularly seeks professional help to get better. The treatment includes medication therapy and medication management, which may be short- or long-term, depending on the diagnosis. Treatment for mental health diagnoses works along the same line.
In conclusion, those who attended see this forum as a needed conversation, and it should be a continuous event within our community across the country. After the event, parents express appreciation for open and honest dialogue from a member of our youth in the panel and others in the audience.
As I conclude with the review on this forum, it reminds me of Kahlil Gibran, a Lebanese philosopher in one of his masterpiece called “The Prophet.”
On Children by Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.”
Good job