By Kemi Seriki
There is an African proverb that says Unity is Strength, Division is Weakness
There is a Yoruba proverb that says Omo to ba da ni ti baba, eyi ti koba da ni ti iya meaning “an admirable child belongs to the father and the disgraceful once belong to the mother. This saying blames mothers for any delinquent behavior the children may present while fathers are exempt. Such reasoning continues to flourish in Nigeria. Many of us in the diaspora carry on with the same belief. I will also argue that this concept is a misconception of African culture when it comes to a father’s responsibilities to his family. I am going to save this argument for another time.
Within the African Immigrant community, there have always been dialogues about the dilemma of raising children in the diaspora focusing North America and in Europe. The conversations involving the conflict between African cultural values and the law of the free world we choose to migrate. In the African immigrants’ community, there is a belief that American family law favors children and women, and it lacks consideration for African cultural values and religious beliefs. Many in the community believed that African men are at the losing end, and the best way to tackle the challenges of raising children in America is that African immigrant children should grow up in Africa. The belief that there is a need to detached the children from the toxic society that has no regard for the African culture. In my personal opinion, American law may not favor African culture in the eye of the critic because the Judicial law of the land is about an individual’s right, and it is not based on specific cultural values or religious beliefs. The rule holds parents accountable for their children. The Judicial system does not condone domestic violence towards the family member. If you chose to be a parent, you are held responsible for providing financially, morally, and to be emotionally available to your family.
A few years ago, I was involved in discussion with a fellow Nigerian family who was contemplating sending their child back to Nigeria to learn culture and self-discipline. As a mother, I couldn’t agree with such a concept. My question to this family was, why are would you send your child to Nigeria to learn culture when you have the culture in you. To me, it is shifting parental responsibilities to someone else, and from the child’s perspective, it could spell out abandonment, betrayal, and unwanted. I spoke to this couple about the possible repercussion of sending a child back home during their formative years. In this article, I included the dialogue I had with the family.
As I continue the dialogue with the couple, the husband said to me, “those who have the infrastructure and the courage to send their children to Africa during their formative years in the care of relatives to get familiarized with African culture have many things to be thankful for.” He also implies those children who are sent to Africa would grow up in an environment where morality and good character are highly regarded in the educational system”.
Reasons for migration
I answered this man with a Yoruba proverb that says, “ile ni ati ko eso rode” meaning good character begins from home. I posed this question to him that if our homeland were livable, we would not be in a foreign country all over Europe and North America. I told him that our countries forced us into exile. African immigrants migrate from their various states because of political unrest, economic deprivation, war, inadequate access to quality education, joblessness, corruption, political and social injustice, insecurity, lack of access to quality medical care, poor quality of life, and many more. If, for these reasons, we can no longer live comfortably in our various countries of origin, then why sending these innocent children back to these countries to suffer.
On the idea of shipping children home to learn the culture, which would eventually lead to respect for elders and higher authorities, I asked this man if African parents are incapable of teaching their children all these vital aspects of human values. I continue to point out to him that there are many first generations of immigrants from various countries in America who were born and successfully raised in America. Many are culturally, morally, and professionally victorious. These parents continue to pass it down cultural identity to their children as their ancestors passed it from one generation to another. If these parents can successfully raise their children in this country, then what is wrong with others who are shipping their children back home.
He argued that those who are against sending their children back home are “misinformed.” I said to him that it is meaningless to characterize these parents as being misinformed. A parent who chooses to tough it out and face the challenges of raising their children in America should be valued and seen selfless, shows a willingness to acculturate, sensitive to the welfare of the children, and sees his or her children as a priority in their life. I further said to him, these are selfless parents who don’t want to shift the responsibility of parental duty on someone else.
He continues to try to convince me that the children would learn their ancestral history, and they would be fluent in the dialects. My question to him was how much African history is part of the school curriculum in various African countries. For example, in Nigeria and many other African countries, the curriculum is full of European influenced knowledge of history. For instance, the history book in Nigeria stated that Mango Park discovered the River Niger. The river that has been existing before Mango Park’s voyage to the country. When it comes to African languages, most countries in Africa, or even say all, the colonial languages are the official language, and the African dialect is chosen as a secondary or somewhat optional language. The official languages are in English, Spanish, French, Portuguese, Italian, and German. We perfected the European dialects as it relates to the language our textbooks are written. It is the official language of commerce, the language our judicial law is written, our government officials use in communication. In many African countries, including Nigeria, judges and lawyers continue to wear wigs after the Europeans left the countries over 50 years ago.
In many cases, the European language is used within the household of the so-called elites of the country. For example, in many homes in Nigeria, parents continue only to speak English to their children, and the traditional dialect is not encouraged. The educational system in Nigeria does not promote the use of the African language in school. English is the only source of teaching in mathematics, history, literature, and any other subject.
Other reasons parents provide for sending children to Africa:
Social Pressure
Some parents indicate that their children no longer listen to their directives, or they are hanging out with the wrong crowd who is negatively influencing the children to use illegal drugs, involve in criminal activities, and join gangs. These problems could have happened anywhere in the world, and the homeland is not excluded from such a dilemma. In Nigeria, there are gangs of different forms on the street and even higher education settings. Africans on the continent are not exempt from the devastating impact of illegal drug use. Controlled substances are readily available to those who have the money.
Use of Corporal Punishment
Many parents believe that they cannot use corporal punishment as a form of discipline when the child misbehaves. There is a common belief that it is against the law to discipline your children in America, and corporal punishment could land a parent in jail or loss custody of the children to the system. American law does allow parents to discipline their children, but the system does not allow parents to unreasonably abuse their children, both psychologically and physically. Raising children in America requires constant parental guidance and supervision. It does not take a village to raise a child in America but individual parental involvement.
The conflict between the American dream and Parenting
For many African immigrants, the achievement of the American Dream of upward mobility is the focus, and the demand that comes with parenting is secondary. Such priority settings may come at a high cost to the need for effective parenting. There are many parents within our community who do take two or three jobs to sustain their excessive and expensive lifestyles. Such lifestyles include maintaining paying car notes on a fancy car, paying high mortgages, buying precious jewelry and clothes, etc. Some of us aim as far as building a mansion in our respective homeland. Many live above their moderate-income, and to pay for all these material wealth, they must work a double shift. Picking up another job takes away the time needed to spend with the children. Children who lack adult supervision would eventually involve in mischievous behavior.
Some parents believed that buying an expensive home in the suburb to fulfill the American dream where crime may not be as rampant compare to the inner city. Such parents may convince themselves that their children would not get into trouble with the law. Children in Suburbs are not exempt from some of the dilemmas experienced by those children within the city or urban area of the country. If you take to work extra hours or double shift, and there is no supervision at home, children are bound to get into trouble. As many knows, American neighborhoods are not structured as a neighborhood in countries in Africa where neighbors watch out for each other’s children. Children left alone at home without adult supervision can involve in mischievous and damaging behavior. They can watch inappropriate shows on television, use drugs, invites unapproved friends home. Should we blame America law or blame parents who lack vision for the most critical responsibility in their life.
Existing Organizations in African Immigrant Communities
In African communities, there are different religious organizations, ethnic organizations, non-profit organizations that focus on immigration issues. Some organizations work under the city umbrella focus on human, and health concerns. Some organizations focus on recognizing and award “the model minority” members of our community. There are also those organizations that initiate themselves as the leaders and the voice of the African immigrant community. The churches and mosques function to teach religious beliefs and to pray for those in need of prayer. Many ethnic establishments are mainly for social gatherings, organizing for parties, and fundraising for dinner parties. On social media and local African community new papers, there is a regular advertisement for fundraising for a dinner dance, churches organizing prayer revival, an award ceremony for different interests. It is easy to camouflage that we are doing something for our youth when we take them to these various community events or dinner parties that serve no purpose to the development of a child.
How other immigrants’ communities cope with the same issue
America is a nation of immigrants that welcomes and attracts people from different nationalities. These immigrants who came to this country have different cultural and religious backgrounds. Various immigrants formulate their communities, free to practice their religion and cultural heritage as long as it does not interfere with the law of the country or the society at large. For example, the Jews, the Hispanics, the Asians, and many others carry on to take pride in their heritage. Individual communities formulate their unique villages and bond together to address problems that affect the community. In these different communities, they set up non-profit organizations that gear towards the need of their people. Among these organizations are churches, mosques, synagogues, recreational and cultural centers, that provide after school programs for children, youth sports teams for boys and girls, empowering programs for community members. Some of these programs work in conjunction with the public school system to advocate for children of special needs who may have learning differences or emotional disturbance. There are members of the community who volunteer their money and time to serve their community with passion, without no hidden agenda but to benefit the present and future generation.
These communities are finding a solution to the challenges facing their children in their new adopted. They were not sending those children back to their respective countries to learn culture and self-discipline or blame the host country for the problems that could collectively solve. They are not blaming a specific group of their community, “the women.” These groups deal with it, and the African immigrants’ community has to learn to apply the same principle.
Here comes the Palaver Talk-Blame it on Women
Photo by Fayemi Photography
In many ethnic groups in Africa, women are often blamed for practically everything that goes wrong within a family. In most cases, men are not seen as part or source of the problem. African women are labeled inefficient and a failure when her marriage fails, for infertility, when she cannot give birth to a male child, for her husband’s infidelity, for not raising a perfect child that is the pride of the father and the community at large. A woman may further be blamed for the family’s financial misfortune, and she could be labeled a “witch” if her husband dies while she is still alive. Such a woman becomes a wicked witch who killed her husband. All these blame on women constitutes what Africans summarize as “woman palaver.” The word Palaver is the term we borrowed from our Portuguese colonizer, which means to chat, nattering, gossip, and useless talks.
A couple of years ago, I was in the midst of a heated debate with some group of Nigerian men about a high rate of divorce within the Nigerian community. These men blamed African women for the failure in their marriage, and they blame the American society for giving women unlimited powers, consequently transforming women into “super-ladies.” These men could not understand why a man has to pay alimony after divorce or family court system mandating a man to pay child support for the care of his children. Some of these men attribute high divorce rates within our community to greedy women who want to put them into bankruptcy and enrich their pockets with alimony and child support. I responded to these men by saying, God bless America for empowering women and seeing children as the priority of the nation. If African countries can empower its women, politically, economically, and if our leaders could place African children on their priority list, most of us in foreign nations would be back in the motherland, contributing to further development of our countries.
Are women to be blamed when the marriage falls apart, and should men be seen as innocent victims? I think that we need to analyze the essence of marriage life. For a marriage to survive, it takes equal efforts from both husband and wife. Marriage is selflessness and not selfishness or serving the need of one party. Marriage is meant to serve both husband and wife involved and equally serve the children born in the union. One hand must wash the other, and that is how both become clean. Particularly in Western society, where both husband and wife have to share the financial responsibilities, chores, child-rearing, and other family obligations needed for survival. But, many African men continue to function on a traditional platform. A man is the head of the household when it comes to setting the rules, but he is not the head of the family when it comes to paying all the bills or shouldering the responsibility of child-rearing.
In the African context and as these men define, the definition of a good wife is a woman who carries out the full responsibility of household chores, including cooking cleaning, caring for the children, maintain employment, be submissive to her husband and serve the man’s emotional and sexual needs. If these needs are not met, the result may lead to domestic violence through verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and the woman may be financially deprived. According to the saying, a woman who chose marriage or friendship with an abusive man is headed for disaster. She is destined to live unhappily ever after.
A man who treats his wife less than and demeaning her worth may have no clue that there is a limit to human endurance. A woman in an abusive relationship may get up one day and declared that enough is enough. An African woman who takes action to leave an abusive marriage and seek legal action to secure the safety of herself and her children would most likely face criticism from the African community. She becomes public enemy number 1, and her story is out for public debates. Those who never walk in her shoe or have no knowledge of the distress this woman may experiences during the marriage now blames her. She may be seen as toxic, and some other women within the community need to avoid her presence. Husbands may warn their wives not to be like her as she is seen as a woman who brings shame to her family. Other women in turns may avoid her because they are afraid she may snatch their husband as if husband snatching is her mission. She may not be invited to social functions that typically involves couples or communal events that involve married women, such as bridal showers or marriage ceremony. Most likely, she is on her own, and she is isolated. Some community member may provide unsolicited, and aftereffect advises by saying the following:
She should have been more patient and have more endurance.
She should have stayed at least for the sake of the children.
She should have prayed more for God to change the husband because, through prayer, everything is possible.
It is a Woman and Man Palaver
With all these being said, any reasonable person will know that this discussion is not about finger-pointing. We cannot solve the problem of challenges the African community faces in America by sorely blaming social and legal structure on the host country or women. When we learn to take responsibility for our actions and re-analyze our conduct, not prioritize individual selfish needs but promote a collective effort and investment in our families and our community, then our community would proceed forward. If we see our problem as a wo/man, meaning that both men and women’s needs are considered for resolution, it symbolizes maturity. Abandoning unproductive blame tactics is crucial in “palavering” or preferably in conflict resolution.