Story by Kemi Seriki
The Nigerian society lack of Child Support Enforcement Vs American System Against Deadbeat Parents
Picture Courtesy of Kente Royal Gallery
Addressing topics such as child support enforcement is one of the sensitive subjects in the African immigrant community. Whoever wants to engage in such an issue must be prepared for pushbacks, and one must have valid points to engage those who oppose the concept. Most of us who migrated to America did not come from a society where the government would play a significant role in making sure that divorced or separated parents would be mandated to support their children financially. Such law or proposition may sound foreign to many of us, and we cannot fathom the idea of a government authority telling us what to do when it comes to a family matter.
Some time ago, I was involved in an extensive conversation with two Nigerian men complaining to me about the child support payment imposed on one of them by the family court. Ali was defending his friend Ladi whom he sees as a victim of a government-enforced child support system. He believed that the law was too harsh on men, and they cannot make sense of the idea of paying so much money to support one child. Ali complained that the child support enforcement agency deducts 17% from his income every pay period. Ladi later declared that he also pays 31% of his salary to support his four children. Both men acknowledged that these deductions are taken out before taxes. I became very curious and inquisitive by further clarifying the purpose of the child support payment. I asked both men why they feel that contributing money to feed, clothe, and shelter their children could be seen as cruelty towards men.
Ali responded: “17% of my income is too much to support one child. How can I afford to take care of my expenses if I have to pay so much to support one child? At this time, I am afraid impregnating another woman. Who knows what she would do if the relationship does not work, and we break up. She may take me to court as well for child support collection. As a matter of fact, I believe that my child’s mother spends the money collected from my paycheck bi-weekly on herself, and she is not spending the money on my child. I believe that she uses the money to buy clothes and jewelry and go to the salon to do her nails and her hair. I feel like quitting my regular job and find an odd job somewhere, working off the book or, better yet, driving a cab. At that point, I can decide on how much I want to pay for child support.”
After Ali had made these allegations, I proceed to ask him if he sees his child and if there were any signs that the child has been neglected. He said that he was awarded visitation right to spend time with his child every other weekend. Ali said that his ex-wife never denied him his visitation right and attested that his child appears healthy and well-cared. After Ali confirmed the child’s welfare, I knew that his allegations were not true, and he was reacting out of anger and frustration.
As for Ladi, he felt that he should just quit his job, pack up his belongings, and move back to Nigeria. As he said, “I cannot just continue to use all my salary to support these children.”
Ali smiled, and he shook his head slowly from side to side.
Ladi Continues: “I have been paying child support on four children for about two years, and I am fed up with this nonsense.” As his voice rose with anger and frustration, Ladi continues, “all I want to do is leave this country and start a new life in Nigeria. When the children are old enough, they will look for their father. And if they don’t want to know me, that is their own problem. When I get to Nigeria, I will marry another woman, have more children and live comfortably without anybody inconveniencing me about the child support business. Abi, Ali, what do you think.”
Ali responded: “I don’t blame you, my brother. If I have the same opportunity, I will do the same. At least in Nigeria, nobody interrogates you and hold you up for child support payment. As a man, you can share your manhood around and have as many children as possible—me ni Olorun wi” (in god’s eyes, there is no limit).
The two men busted out laughing.
As the conversation continues, I asked the two men about their family background and a brief family history. Ali enthusiastically said that he came from a Christian home originally in a monogamous family setting, and the family later expands to polygamous family settings. His family setting initially includes his father, his mother, and his five siblings. He declared that his father later married two more women, and each of these women had four children.
My interest grew more on more details about his family background. I then asked Ali about his father’s profession and if his mother has any occupation apart from caring for the family. He said that his father was a civil servant before he retired, and his mother sells provisions at the local market. He further said that his father does carpentry work on the side to supplement his retirement income. I became more interested in finding out how Ali’s father could have supported 13 children and three wives with his salary. I believed that raising this point may support my argument on the importance of child support enforcement in America and why Ali and Ladi should view child support as an obligation and a duty.
Ali said: “Well, each of his wives has her small business, and they basically support their own children. My father only makes sure he pays the rent to keep a roof over our heads. When it comes to feeding, each wife takes turns in cooking for the whole family. Whoever turns comes up for cooking gets money from my father. Most times, the children rather eat from their mother instead of eating from the co-wives. So, mothers still cooks regularly for their children, and my father has a policy, “if a child cannot eat from family pot, then your mother is financially responsible for your feeding.” It merely means he cannot have three different pots in the same house cooking at the same time.
I asked Ali how things were in the household before his father decided to marry the two other wives. He gave me a serious look and said, “why are you asking me all these questions.”
Then Ladi jumped and said: “You don’t know this woman? She is an interrogator. She wants to know if you are planning on having another wife like your father so that she could preach against it. Polygamy is part of our culture, and there is nothing wrong with having many wives as long as you can afford it.”
I whispered to myself and said, “afford it”, and I look towards Ali for his response.
Ali just smiled, and he said, “I will answer your question if you must know.”
Ali responded: “Honestly, we were a happy family before my father married the second and the third wife. Being the first son, I had a very close relationship with my father. He gave his children all in his power to make the family happy, which includes adequate financial support, and he was sensitive to our emotional needs. My mother did not have to go to the market to trade. She stayed home and took care of us. My siblings and I went to the best private school in our town, and my father took care of the bills without complaints. From the time my father married the second and the third wife, our lives began to change for the worst. The intimate family closeness and financial support started to dwindle. My father became more distant from the family, and he gradually stopped doing things he usually does for the family. Whenever my mother asks him for money, he says that she was not the only woman in his life and he has other children who also depended on him. My siblings and I were pulled out of private school, and we ended in a public-school system because my father won’t pay the school fees. My mother was fed-up, and she became helpless and stranded by my father’s non-compliance in meeting his family’s financial obligation. My father complains about not having money to adequately support his family whereas, he had money to go to the bar to drink beer almost every day of the week.
As a result of my father’s inconsistency, my maternal uncle gave my mother some money to start a small business, and this is how she began selling provisions at the local market. When I look back, I wonder how my mother managed to raise six children practically on her own single-handedly. My father was present in the house physically, but his spirit was not there. He comes and goes as he pleases and how we survive was none of his concern.”
My friend, (Ali facing Ladi) this is why I don’t play with my mother o. I make it my obligation to send money to her every month to appreciate her sacrifice and her dedication to her children to have a better life. Without my mother’s support, I would not have been in America today and earn my master’s degree in Engineering and looking forward to earning my Phd very soon. It was such a painful experience to see my mother struggling to provide for her children to tell you the truth. I remember when I was nine years old, I held a part-time job. Every day after school, I used to sell iced water at the local bus stop, and the money made helps my mother a little.
As I listened, I sympathized with Ali, and I wanted to ask him so many questions as he shares his story. I wanted to ask him about his feelings towards his father looking at his past. Was he resentful of him, or was he indifferent about how his father treated his family? How does he feel about polygamy family settings, and would he marry more than one wife if he has the opportunity to do so. I wanted to know if Ali could realize that history can repeat itself if he ignores the present and supporting his child would not allow his child to grow up with hardship as he did. After looking back at his upbringing in poverty due to his father’s decision to engage in polygamous family settings, would he have wished that child support enforcement exists in Nigeria? All these unanswered questions kept roaming through my head.
Ladi then interrupted before I had the chance to say anything. I was glad that it happens this way because I was eager to find out Ladi’s opinion about Ali’s family background and if he would voluntarily talk about his own childhood experience.
Please tune in on the next edition to read about Ladi’s response and find out about his family background in Part 2.