Story by Kemi Seriki
History will judge by the difference we make in the everyday lives of children ~ Nelson Mandela
Ladi’s view on Ali’s Family Background and his Own Story.
Ladi: “Ali, I never knew that you had a rough life growing up. (Shaking his head from side to side). I should consider myself lucky. I came from a monogamous family, and my father never had another wife. My parents were married for 45 years, and they were blessed with three children. We had everything at our disposal. My father was a manager at Barclays Bank in Lagos, and my mother was a health care practitioner before they both retired. At home, we had a house boy and house girl who help with household chores. Every year, our family travels to a different part of the world for a family vacation. My parents bought a house in London because we travel to England at least twice a year. I never witnessed my parent argue or fight about money. I don’t even know how the bills were paid. My siblings and I went to private school until high school when we went to school in England to complete our education. All three children went to university abroad, and our parents sponsored our education. My older brother graduated from University of Oxford, I went to Harvard and my younger sister went to NYU. All of us are doing well.”
Ladi continues: Imagine that you already had a job to help support your family at the age of nine. I cannot visualize my father marrying another wife o. Let me even assume that he had taken that step of marrying another woman. All those luxurious lives we lived growing up would not have existed. If my father would have married another woman and acquired more children as your father has done, he may never be able to invest in his children’s education. I now understand that practicing polygamy is one thing, but living it as a child is a traumatic experience. I just can’t imagine myself growing up in such a chaotic household.
At this point, I cut in the conversation, and I thanked both men for allowing me to sit down and have such a healthy discussion with them. I specially acknowledged Ali for his courageous act of talking about his innermost feelings about his childhood experience in front of a woman he hardly knew. I then asked both men if they would allow me to raise a few points. Both men gave me approval, and I began to speak.
Ali and Ladi, I said, I think both of you can connect your present situation to your family background. Ali, you were brought up in a family where your father denied you of his obligation for his selfish reasons. He turned from being a monogamous family man to polygamy by marrying two more wives and more children that he could not financially or emotionally support. He left such huge responsibilities to his wives, and he became an alcoholic in the process. Although you did not mention it when you were narrating the story, I believed that the other two wives might have to shoulder their children’s financial responsibility as your mother did. As the Yoruba people would say, the whip a man uses in flogging the first wife is hiding in the roof. He would you the same whip in beating the second wife, the third wife, and so on. Ali agreed, and he said, “You are correct. Those other two wives experienced the same treatment. Let me set the record straight all those statements I made earlier about marrying more than one wife was just a talk. After seeing what my mother and the other wives went through with my father, I wouldn’t wish the same experience on any woman or any child. Polygamous family settings rob a child’s closeness and connection with their father, and it grants a woman temporary love, from her husband until another woman comes into the picture. My brother, (referring to Ladi) I envy your family o. You were raised in a perfect home that I would have hoped for. I guess it is just my luck.”
Then I continued, and I posed this question to Ali. Would you like your child to go through the financial struggles you experienced growing up? He answered by saying no, and he added that he recognized the point I was trying to make. As he stated, “I have no intention of abandoning my financial commitment to my child. I just complain from time to time when I think about all my financial responsibilities. I am obligated to pay child support, take care of my personal needs, send money home to my mother, and pay school fees on my two young sisters attending university in Nigeria.”
As for you, Ladi, I said, you were born into a privileged family. According to your story, you indicated that your parents gave everything a child would ever hope for. Why would you not want to provide your children with the same privilege since you are financially capable of doing so? You should be the last person to complain about child support or even think about marrying more than one woman and having more children. Even though you and your wife may have separated or divorced, your obligation to your children still holds. Those children did not ask to be born, and since they are here, it is the responsibility of both parties involved to provide for the children. I am not saying that you should continue to stay married to your ex-wife or stay in an unhealthy relationship, that is, between you and your wife and not between you and the children. Imagine, Ladi, if your father would have abandoned your mother, you, and your siblings, or he was around but failed to perform his fatherly duties because he picked up other wives, you may not be in the position you are in today.
Ladi responded: “To tell you the truth, my sister, I was not thinking about the welfare of my children. I was just interested in the pleasure of seeing my ex-wife suffer. She acts as if she could raise the children alone. If it is not for child support enforcement payment, she would have run back to me. She would have been begging me for forgiveness. And at that point, I would have shown her that I am the man and she cannot disrespect my authority. That is why I thought that going back to Nigeria would resolve it. This heartfelt discussion has made me have a change of heart, and I realize that I must never deny my duty as a father to my children. If you pay attention to my demeanor during the whole conversation, you can see that I was calm. Ali’s story made me realize that my obligation to my children is essential, and trying to get back my ex-wife due to my selfish reason is unethical’.
Analysis of the story
Everyone involved realized that this discussion is healthy and honest. We wished that such conversation would continue in African immigrant communities such as churches, mosques, or restaurants. All of us talked about the principle of Sankofa and how the discussion has worked throughout our conversation. Sankofa is the Twi language from Ghana that says we must reclaim our past in other to move forward. Here is the story of two men who initially believed that child support enforcement law is brutal towards men. Initially, both men could not see that the financial welfare of their children is their obligation. Instead, they were contemplating finding ways to beat the system by relocating back to Nigeria, a country where such enforcement would be void.
When a relationship or a relationship goes sourer, and nothing could be done to save the relationship, it is only healthy for the two parties involved to go their separate ways. Of course, if children are involved, both parents have to make the necessary contributions to the children’s welfare. Children would need both financial and emotional support from both parents who are adult enough to be in the children’s life. One parent cannot just walk away, abandon his or her responsibility for the other party. I am approaching this topic as a representative speaking on behalf of the children.
In Nigeria, the custom allows a man to marry many wives and have many children as he desires. Whether the man could financially care for or emotionally available for the children is not usually challenged, but the social image he hopes to create is more important. In Nigeria’s belief system, having children is seen as a sign of wealth and a gift from god. Please don’t get me wrong, children are joyous and a gift from god, but having excessive children beyond financial capacity is poverty. Having too many children with a lack of resources is equal to poverty, eventually becoming a burden to themselves and society.
In many cases, children from a large family end up fending for themselves, or they become the responsibility of other extended family members. Back in Nigeria, many of us can identify with such a situation. Many Nigerians or other African immigrants abroad continuously send money back home to assist their parents and support other extended family members. Parents who lack the financial capability to support their children would depend on others to lift the load. I think anyone financially capable should help those who are in need. Jeopardizing one immediate needs or one’s responsibility to one’s children while supporting others who are making the wrong decisions is pathetic.
Since there are no government welfare benefits for the less fortunate in Nigeria, citizens play the role of providing such support out of kindness and compassion. As a result, caring for people in need becomes a family issue, and the government does not interfere. If the Nigerian government create such a system of family and individual welfare similar to the United States welfare system, the government would have found a way to hold men financially responsible for their offspring.
Family Planning in Africa
During the world population conference in Bucharest in 1974, many African leaders who attended carefully review the proposed ideas on national population control. Nigeria was among the few countries that would not support the ideology. When the conference was held ten years later in Mexico, Nigeria finally supported the family planning initiative by encouraging women to limit themselves to four children. As if only women are responsible for the burden of population growth, men were not encouraged to have only four children. Such neglect contributes to a free pass for men in a polygamous society to have as many wives as they want and unlimited children. Since individual women would have a limited cap up to four children, a man could have five wives and four children per woman. The man would become a father of twenty children, and he has nothing to worry about because society did not require him to have a limited number of children or to abstain from practicing polygamy. The logic behind this was to eliminate men from the collective responsibility of family planning. A country like Nigeria that is blind to the obvious cannot hold men accountable for contributing to the present dilemma of overpopulation and raging poverty.