By, Kemi Seriki
Just imagine sitting down as an audience listening to the first generation of African young adults who were born in America or brought to America as a child from various African countries discussing the challenges of balancing between both worlds. On August 3rd, 2019, the third annual forum was held in the Bronx at Davidson Community Center. This year discussion was set up differently from the previous past two years. Through my journey of continuing discussing the importance of intergenerational dialogue within African immigrants’ community, I was fortunate to meet three enthusiastic young ladies from our community who offered to assist in making the third forum a reality. Baaba a Ghanaian American, Gloria a Congolese American and Saadjo a Senegalese American all play in planning and coordinating the event. For the past two years, I have been the moderator, and this year, Baaba and Saadjo were the moderators of the event. They both worked on and came up with questions for the panelists that would enhance the dialogue and also engage the audience. During the planning, Gloria suggested that we set up ground rules for the discussion, and she worked on generating guidelines which include respectful engaging, empathic listening, and safe space. The idea of safe space as Gloria presented was to create an atmosphere where both panelist and member of the audience feel at ease talking about their experience without judgment but rather on thoughtfulness.
Pánsá Pánsá Forum continues to foster its principle by involving a diverse group of our community whose ancestral heritage migrated from different part of Africa with a different religious background. Our group of panelists this year came from Nigeria, Benin, Sierra Leone, Democratic Republic of Congo, Guinea, and Ghana. The conversation ranges from challenges of African and American identity both within the home and within the community. The discussion also covers parents understanding and recognizing emotional and mental health challenges. We also touched on the shame surrounding mental health diagnoses within our community which most time leads to a barrier in seeking professional help when is needed. We also conversed the differences in home environment and parenting style within the household. We explore the disparities between a home that nurtures a child’s individuality/uniqueness or a home that fosters conformity in every aspect of a child’s life, including career choice. Finally, we talked about the element of life skill and the value system thought within individual homes. We discussed which cultural and family value was significant to the individual. We explore which of these values they would like to pass on to their children and which of the doctrine they would not incorporate. As a parent, I also share my own story growing up in a home of minder, who was a teacher. I talked about my experience growing up in such an environment and why I would not repeat the same with my children. Growing up, I made a promise to myself not to transfer my parental responsibility to another person. I concluded my presentation with a Yoruba proverb, “ Oju o lo ju o da bi oju eni” meaning “nobody’s eyes can see as clearly as yours.”
The idea of translating and continuing to redefine identity at home and in public space was intensely discussed during the forum. For example, at home or within the African immigrant community, cultural relativism is expected. A child may be seen as “not African enough” if she or he exhibits particular behavior or believes that is not deemed to be acceptable. In the public space where the child mingles among general public such as school environment, work environment or social gathering, the child may code switch to fit into the group to avoid been seen as “different” or for the sake of solidarity. On the other hand, it may not be easy not to be seen as being different due to race, religion, and ethnicity. For example, the school environment’s objective to be inclusive where every child is thought to be a member of the school community. For many children who are perceived as being different by their peers, they are usually the victim of bullying within the school environment. Most of our panelist could relate to the experience of being bully at school during their formative years. Many mentioned been teased, verbally abused, physically abused, socially excluded, taunted, and received insults from fellow students as a result of their skin color and ethnicity. They each explained the strategy they explore in dealing with such challenges.
One of the panelists expresses his gratitude towards his parent for taking him out of public school and enrolled him in private school. He said that his mother listened to his complaints, and she was able to recognize his emotional distress. As this young man commented, he could not predict what would have happened to him if his mother has not made such a move. To me, there would have been so many negative possibilities that could have happened. This bright young man who ends up graduating from college with a degree of science in Applied Mathematics may have developed low self-esteem, academic difficulties, suppressed anxiety, depression, and even substance abuse. The young man may have joined a gang as a way to defend or protect himself. Such decision may have exposed him to engage in criminal activity. The parents of this young man took the initiative in investing their money into his safety, his education, and his future. The story of this young man reveals that when a parent listens to a child and allow open dialogue, that parent would be able to connect with the child’s emotional distress and work on finding a solution.
Many parents may not be able to enroll their children into private school due to inability to afford to pay the private school fee. As many of us know, yearly tuition for Catholic School could run up to $10,000.00 yearly. There are many private schools whose yearly school fees is four to five times more expensive than Catholic School. Several parents within our community struggle financially to make ends meet. After paying for the monthly rent, utility bill, food, transportation, and other necessities, what is left may not be much to cover tuition for private school.
There must be another way to address this issue as a community so that our children can thrive in our adopted home. We have to look at the society at large on the attitude towards those who are seen as “other.” The aggression and the bullying towards children of immigrants and refugees within the school or in a work environment do not function in a vacuum. It reflects on the larger society whether such community is welcoming to immigrants. The negative rhetoric towards immigrants has always been present in general populace but lately has escalated due to the current political climate. The myth that immigrants are bringing crime and taking jobs away from American citizens has dominated the political and social discussion. African immigrant’s community needs to work in collaboration with other immigrants and refugee communities whose children are also facing the same challenges in school. As a community of immigrants’ parents against school bullying, we can approach the school bureaucrats about our concerns and strategies on addressing the issue as a team. We cannot just ignore or pray away the difficulties our children are facing in school where their emotional wellbeing, physical wellbeing, and intellectual growth may be on the verge of jeopardy. We must start taking productive action that would lead to positive changes.
As I concluded this review, I would like to share tips for empathetic listening to others including our children:
1. Nonjudgmental:
Be open-minded, let go of your own opinion, and stay focus on another person’s viewpoint. You don’t have to agree with such point of view but it about allowing the person to know that you care.
2. Give undivided attention to the person speaking and carefully listen to feelings and the facts:
Making eye contact and avoid distractions. Pay attention to your body language and facial expression. Nodding during conversation also indicates that you are listening. Please remember to listen to others as you want to be listened to and show respect no matter what age or gender.
3. Stay quiet, calm, and don’t question silent moment:
Sometimes you may not need to say anything but listen. The silence action indicates that you there at that moment.
4. Reiterate and Rephrase:
If you need to speak or ask a question, use the same phrase or words used by the person speaking to ask a question for clarification. Respond based on that person’s situation or moment. Remember, it is not about you at present!
5. If there is an emotional flare-up from the speaker, lower your voice to calm the situation. Intensifying your voice does not calm down the situation but flares it up more than anticipated. Not raising your voice does not mean that you are powerless, but it shows that you are in control of your emotion and everything else around you.
